I remember almost nothing after that but know that I was intubated right away and taken to the ICU. With no family in the area my boyfriend got in contact with my mom and stepdad in Florida and my dad, brother, and sister in New England. My heart hurts every time I think about them getting a call late at night that their youngest daughter is in the ICU from unknown causes. To make things even worse they were all a 12-hour drive away. My mom, stepdad and dad arrived later that night. At that point I was diagnosed with Toxic Shock Syndrome that led to Septic Shock.

I spent the next three weeks in and out of the ICU, but I have very little memory of this. At one point in time, it was believed that I wasn’t going to make it. I was intubated more than once and on dialysis due to my kidneys shutting down. At one point I was even restrained due to pulling at my IVs.

When I finally woke up my aunt was standing over me. She asked if I knew who she was, and I shook my head yes. At this point I was still intubated so I was unable to speak. I was confused about why I was in there and at one point looked down and noticed my toes were black. A part of me knew what this meant, but it was easier to pretend I simply didn’t notice.

The next several weeks were extremely traumatic for me. At this point I was well enough to know what was going on. I was extremely weak and couldn’t even hold up a glass of water. I was still getting dialysis and knew there was a possibility of permanent kidney damage. This would result in needing dialysis several times a week for potentially the rest of my life. Weeks prior I was a healthy 31-year-old and suddenly there I was stuck in a hospital bed too sick to even use the bathroom on my own. It was during this time that I was told a menstrual cup was the cause of the septic shock.  Although I knew the cause I just kept thinking “How did this happen? How did I get here?”.

Slowly things started to look up. My strength was coming back, I was able to eat and drink, and I could hold a full conversation. Around this time, I was transferred to Norfolk General Hospital to a special rehab unit. I was feeling stronger but still needed a walker to walk. After a week at Norfolk General Hospital the day had finally come, my kidneys started working again! This was such a relief to me and my family. This meant I no longer needed dialysis. So, after all my labs came back within defined limits, I was released from the hospital. However, my toes were the next big hurdle to overcome. The vasopressors I was given in the ICU diverted blood to my main organs, but this meant losing blood flow to my extremities. The vasopressors helped save my life, but it wasn’t without a price.

The nerve damage in my feet was extensive. I was in excruciating pain all day every day. I fell asleep in pain every night. I would then wake up around 4 or 5 in the morning in pain and would be unable to fall back asleep. Although I was put on the strongest dose of Gabapentin, the pain was still unbearable. I was told if they amputated my toes that would help ease the pain. However, at this point the black on my toes had started to recede and I wanted to wait until it was absolutely necessary to amputate. It was important to me to keep as much of my toes as I could, so I stuck it out and waited. However, after about six weeks the time had come when the tips of my toes started to self-amputate. They were black and turned rock hard and started to separate from the rest of my toes. This can lead to infection, and with me now being more susceptible to sepsis it was crucial that we did the surgery as soon as possible. This was very emotional for me.

After the surgery I had to wait a week until I could see my feet. They ended up having to debride every toe and saw down the bone of several of the smaller toes, but the surgeon did a great job. All my toes are a little shorter now and I have no more toenails, but the pain improved. However, for about another 6 months it was still a major issue. I was able to walk normally but at times had to limp when the nerve pain would rear its ugly head. Wearing shoes was too painful so I wore my post-surgical boots.

The pain is much better now, and I can be on my feet for long periods of time. However, I still struggle with nerve pain but have accepted that this is my new reality. I am very lucky to be alive but am forever changed after what happened. Recovery is funny in the way that one second you are completely fine, and then the next you feel as though everything just happened yesterday. I am hoping my story can help spread awareness and maybe others sepsis survivors can read this and feel as though someone understands them.